Thursday, November 05, 2009

Trying to be more real.......

After spending part of my morning reading Nina Bagley's blog I felt that my blog is sooooo superficial! Life is sometimes sad, and yet I never seem to go there. I guess in some ways I am afraid of letting anyone "IN" too far...............I don't like being vulnerable......I don't like showing my dark thoughts that come in the middle of the night and won't let go! I do feel that being more vulnerable is what this blog world is all about.....letting people see the real me and not just the surface that I hand pick to show the world. Autism has payed it tole on our family and the sadness lies right below the surface.....ready to drop tears at any given moment if the thoughts let me travel there. I have learned to keep a strong defense in order to keep my composure at all times. The truth is......I fall completely apart when I think of my little girl locked up in her own mind with NO WAY to express herself. She is defenseless against this world that can be very hurtful at times. She is defenseless to communicate her wants, needs, fears........ I am always trying to read between the lines, trying to understand what a movement, facial expression or body language is telling me...............but I am never sure if I am even getting that right! I keep hoping that love can open some of this up to my baby.......
Let me say that even through the tortures of Autism, I have received more joy from this little girl than I can ever express. The thought of seeing her and being with her puts butterflys in my tummy just like that first love did back so many years! The bond between us is stronger than most and I can only pray that someday before I am too old to enjoy it....I will see some sort of break through with this debilitating disorder.............



maggiegracecreates said...

Linda - the picture is haunting. One of my coworkers has a stepson with autism. I watch he and his wonderful wife struggle with various issues all the time. When i read this, I lifted a prayer for all of you warriors and the precious angels you watch over.

Jennifer Paganelli said...

Linda, thanks for sharing this part of you. Just makes me want to leap at you with great thanks. I've always admired you and this is just another facet of the real you. Best wishes with all your sweet dreams!
xo Jennifer

nelda ream said...

Your little girl is so lucky to have you for her Nana. Sending you warm thoughts and hugs.

One Crabapple said...

Blogs ARE FUN and I am with you

If that makes me superficial.....ha


personally I get a little warped when I have to read

someone lamenting their woes...and feel its sort of RUDE

I have always loved your upbeat fun blog

and we can read thru the lines

It must be very hard with the autism and there have been your health issues. You share things without weighing me down. I feel for you and your hurts even MORE beCAUSE you are not wallowing in it.

You seem to use this is your outlet to SHINE and make merry

I love you for that !