Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Journaling.....




Treadmills
I have been struggling with this feeling of "lost"! I think it comes from so many years of working and having a set schedule. I have become very efficient at using every minute of every day, with little to no time for relaxation. In fact......I don't know how to relax! That may sound strange to you, but I have programed myself to get something done every waking minute....including driving time:D For years I haven't spent more than about 15 to20 minutes eating something at lunch time....then I run an errand or two......getting supplies for the afternoon classes (or for the next day:), picking up dry cleaning, running to the grocery for some ingredient for dinner, having my car washed, picking up a prescription, dropping off ironing or even making a return for something bought in haste:D Once the workday was over it was off to run the rest of the errands before returning home for cooking and artwork! Poor hubby......I make him feel quilty when he reads the paper or watches T.V. I don't mean to........but that is such valuable time to me......I need to be getting something done! If one of my "reality shows" is on....I bring a basket of laundry to fold while watching or I watch in the kitchen while cleaning up dinner mess. I have learned that knitting and granny squares are a logical choice at these times.......I can always use another baby blanket to put back for a friend or family:D
Now, back to my problem..........I have no schedule.....No time restraints.....No deadlines......Never, ever, ever again:D That sounds like a hell of a life, but for some reason it isn't working for me!!!!!! I am aimlessly wondering around under NO pressure to get anything done!!!! I am finding myself still dirty and in jammies hours past lunch! (That was fun when it was a once a week event)......I play on the internet, check out blogs, do a little artwork, go up and make the bed and maybe do a few dished from our snack the night before! I might throw in a load of laundry if I am short on undies......but....no urgency to that either! I am not as careful as before about my appearence........I would never have left the house without my makeup (at least my eyes) on but now you might find me in any state depending on where it is! I have run to the post office in my jammies and have been known to go to Walmart in my bedroom slippers! I real slob........after all those years of being so careful:( What is happening to me?????
Well, I am a person that has always worked well under pressure and I can see that I must find something that will apply a little now!!!! I decided today to commit several days a week to helping my little granddaughter and relieve my daughter who has a new baby! Margo is 4 now and with Autism she really needs alot of attention. I will now have her for two full days and night to work with her and let my daughter have some quality time with Milly! Now, to make some peramiters on the rest of my days:D Not a bad position to be in.......I know!!!!!
Here are a couple of journal pages I did today....showing my fears and frustrations with the situation:D

9 comments:

madrekarin said...

I completely understand how you feel. I can get up early in the morning with every good intention of accomplishing mounds of work, only to find myself at 4:00 in the afternoon having accomplished nothing of note. I too work best "under pressure" and there is none to be found.
I am sure that your time spent with your granddaughter will be filled with treasured moments that you will easily be able to translate into your art. She will give you what you need- a purpose. I hope I find mine soon.

missy j said...

I feel your pain!...as I sit here in my jammies doing NOTHING! Well, I am enjoying you blog! Now I feel the need to get up and do something, thank you very much...note the sarcasm.

Jeanne said...

Oh, how I can relate to what you are saying. I had the same problem when I "retired" and I can't say that I have been able to master it yet. I am baffled at how I seemed to accomplish so much more when I worked full time. I also work better under pressure...I have found since blogging that there are a lot of people who work that way. It will be great for you (and your grand-daughter) to spend those days together. It will surely give some structure to you life. Your journal pages on this subject are beautiful.

angelica torrez said...

Linda,

I am sure it will take some getting used to. When I left work 6 years ago to stay home I was lost, but it will become easier. it's okay to let go a little. Here I am telling you this and I can't relax at all. I am home today with a somewhat sick child... You know I am sick I can't go to daycare and then two hours later he seems fine. I am still taking him to the doctor today. Back to work tomorrow for me. Hang in there Linda. You will be fine. Some days are okay to stay in your jammies. You did your duty of working and now you need to enjoy it. Enjoy it you deserve it and you worked hard for it. I am going to come down your day one day and take you out. I promise.....

I will be thinking of you....

love, Angelica

Sue said...

Linda, I think it is wonderful that you are using part of your new found time to help Margo. I know it has been hard on my other two children at times when my time has to be devoted to Ryan. So this is a wonderful gift to Millie and her Mom too! Not only am I always inspired by your art but also by the warm, kind way you approach life.

Sue said...

Oops, I forgot to thank you for the encouraging words on my blog too. As soon as my daughter returns my camera I will post pics of my work too. ( She is on vacation)

Heather said...

Hi Linda, your post today really struck a cord with me. I am not retired in the traditional sense but I have worked on my family's business since I was 9 years old up until I was over 8 months pregnant. I ended up in the hospital and the doctor told me it was time to stop working. WOW I was shocked and I remember crying into the phone on my way home from work on my "last" day. I told my husband that I felt like such a loser and in some ways I still do, though I now realize I am doing the most important job there is. It will take you a while to acclimate to this new schedule but I am certain you will. I hope in the acclimation you do manage some guilty pleasures of watching TV without a basket of laundry or reading the paper :)

Heather said...

PS I love your journal pages, they are beautiful!!

debra cooper said...

First, your journal pages are so beautiful and heartfelt! Second, I felt the same when I started staying home with my first baby. Even with a baby to take care of, one of my major struggles was feeling sooooo unproductive! Finally, I had to get over it ;-) Two little ones helped with that. Now, I'm equally obsessive about having control over every part of my day and freak out if someone asks me to do something that is not on my "schedule"! Your daughter is so blessed to have you to want to help out, and so is your Granddaughter. Living away from all family, I'd do anything to have some help from time to time. Even a date night once a month! ;-) They are blessed to have you. And you'll certainly never regret the many happy memories you have together. And--after all of that--I've really enjoyed looking at your artwork!